OK. Get some coffee (or green tea), sit down and be prepared for a novel...

First, let me say I was 29 when diagnosed. My husband and I were not ready to accept that our sex life as we knew it was gone. Don't get me wrong, when all the heavy breathing is over... we have LOTS to talk about. But sex is still very important in our marriage, for both of us.

This is something that is not discussed enough. None of my doctors have had much that they could contribute to this, however after much talk with other young survivors, here are a few things that I picked up along the way.

#1: Chemo is a sex killer in TWO ways.

First, which we all know, is that it shuts down the ovaries and puts us in "chemo-induced menopause". Which means that your lady bits stop producing moisture and there is no sex drive. OK. We all know that, right?

Second, chemo helps to inhibit the growth of new cells. We all also kind of know this. The parts of your body that are continuously growing new cells are your hair (hence hairloss) and mucous membranes (mouth, nose, and... lady parts!). So we end up with bloody noses, sores in our mouths... and vaginas that are dry as the Sahara Desert and very prone to tearing.

Boy... does sex sound like fun now? My bet is that everyone has TRIED it at least once... and quickly realized it isn't very much fun because you're not in the mood and it HURTS!

#2: If you don't use it... you lose it.

Another fun term I added to my cancer related vocabulary is "vaginal atrophy".

Atrophy is the loss of muscle due to lack of use. Well, in the case of your vagina, you're not necessarily losing the muscle... but estrogen helps to keep that area stretchy. So without the estrogen... you're turning back into a virgin. You won't regrow your hymen or anything, but the muscles will tighten up to the point where pentration is (once again) painful.

So now we know that sex is painful because we have atrophy (aka too tight), super dry (no lubrication) and the skin is prone to tearing (thank you chemo).

So the question is, what can we do to help this.

First, look at lubricants. Yes, I know, this is embarassing for some, but it is VERY IMPORTANT. If you have dry skin on your legs or any other part of your body... you put lotion on it, right? So why wouldn't you put something in your vagina to help moisturize the skin there? I personally used RePlens, which is a lubricant you use every 2-3 days (regardless of if you're having sex) just to make the skin more supple... and therefore less prone to tearing. It's like lotion for your lady parts.

Second, if you ARE having issues with atrophy where penetration is painful because he just feels too big, you might need to consider toys or dialators. Dialators is a set of tubes that gradually increase in size that you can use to help stretch things out down there. Yes, I know this is another embarassing thing to do, but look online if you're not comfortable going into a shop. Amazon and other places even have stuff like this! You can get a box with a smile on it ;) Basically whether you get dialators, dildos or whatever, you just need something that will help stretch that area out to help make way for your husband... however you choose to do that is up to you.

And the LAST thing you need to do is talk to your husband about this. This is not something you can "fix" on your own. It's going to take trial and error. It's going to take patience from both you and your husband. You need to tell him what the physical issues are and get him to join in the "fun of discovery" of what will work for you both.

I know that sounds like alot of work, and there are days when it's frustrating, but the "upside" is that I'm 8 months out from my last Herceptin (which caused a few issues for me sexually) and my body is back on track hormonally and all that. And at this point, my husband and I have an even better sex life than before because we're more comfortable discussing what works (and doesn't).

I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps a few ladies out there. Good luck!

Love that you brought up this topic. I read all the comments and got educated myself, Thank You Warriors. I just went to the Gynecologist about painful sex and yes vaginal atrophy is what she said🙄....Does this ever end, one thing after another 🙄😜...I told her I would Not do anything with estrogen but that is me , my choice. So she said Silicone based lubricant and that has helped A lot. Then prescribed me a Compound Vitamin E to help treat the problem. But it is not a permanent fix.My kinesiologist picked up on the vaginal thinning and prescribed " Regeneplex " by Standard Process ( best pure supplement s out there). It seems to be really fixing this 😀 There is a lasering " The Mona Lisa Laser"...alot of women esp bc women are choosing this method too. Hope this helps 🩷 As far as Enjoying Sex or having a drive, it is Hard and I was a Sexual Dynamo 😂😜 Not so much now but I work at it, meditation helps, sexy , comfy outfits, creating settings for the mood indoors or out ...I am 55 and my boyfriend is 49 , so this is still very important to me....I like a lil CBD to relax, etc ( honestly,not sugar coating) , right now I have explained " Spontaneity" that can stir up sex. I read the above advice and will be trying those things to...I love the Intimacy of physical sex So Thanks for this topic being discussed. But, as we all know Intimacy is Much more than intercourse. Keep loving yourself. 🩷🩷🩷

@A MyBCTeam Member, Cyn is spot on. You can have vaginal micro-tears from dryness, and vaginal atrophy as well as poor pelvic floor muscle control . I am new to this great group, and do not want to post something I should not. I am a consultant for a "ladies night in party " company if you know what I mean, lol. I did not join this group to sell products, but do have things that may help. If you want to message me privately, I can maybe tell you about some of the products that may help you. They have helped me, I also suffer from vaginal dryness, libido issues, etc. You can look online, but I have used the things I sell. There are some non-hormonal creams and great lubes to help with dryness, in flavors to spice it up, lol. I have always been a toy gal. And you know what, not one doctor has ever asked about my sex life. They treat the disease, and we are left to figure out the quality of life after.

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A MyBCTea...

I was told by my oncologist that the Estring is safe even for er+ women who have had breast cancer so good luck with that. It will help lubricate and hold off atrophy but it doesn't do anything for desire. I'm still trying to find that after 4 years. We women need to demand a Viagra of our own!

I have been using a low level estrogen ring that is inserted vaginally. It is called Estring. My Onc and Gyn thought it should be ok, even though I am estrogen +. It helps a little with the pain. The other topical creams did nothing to help. I am nervous about the Estring, but right now I am willing to take the risk. I am trying to get used to the lack of desire, but it really impacts my relationship. I am really sad that it disappeared so quickly. It is actually the thing that pisses me off the most. I can get used to the loss of breasts, dealt with the chemo, hair issues and forced menupause, but this is not something I can just wish away.
I am not 50 yet and not ready to be asexual!