it is so traumatizing sometimes I cry and I just pray. I was seeing a psychologist and she gave up on me. I am back to work and it helps. remember that hope is stronger than fear. we are all in this fight

I relate very much so! I was diagnosed in 2018 because I had 3 lumps in one breast. When they did the 3D mammogram my boob got squished and one of the lumps exploded out through my right nipple as it was on the tip of my nipple scans showed. I didn't feel the blood squirting out but boy it was a mess. It was at the point I knew I had breast cancer before they even told me. I just felt it. I did 2 MRI biopsies for the other 2 lumps and I must say those MRI's are horrible. Trauma all around. They kept telling me I had stage 0-1 and not to worry about it. When we finally sat down on 12-8-18 ( that date is inked in my brain) they said I had a very light cancer showing and I should remove my right breast just in case. I decided with my nurse daughter to have a double mastectomy just in case, as I'm adopted and didn't have a clear background on this. When they did the Double M in February 2019, I was told the next morning that I indeed had Triple - HR2-3 cancer and in a week I'd be starting Chemo. Total change of plans. I had the best attitude and I took it on with complete faith I'd be ok. I didn't realize at that time how serious the diagnosis was. I certainly asked but I was so foggy. My husband was there and he went into shock. His mother died of breast cancer and it spun him out! In fact, he divorced me in the middle of chemo. His own stuff that he hasn't worked out with a therapist and it goes deep for him. He sent me a text asking for a divorce. A text. Chemo was brutal. I missed my son's wedding because I was so sick. It was on the East Coast and I live on the West... more trauma and loss and grief... then my father passed away. My favorite guy in the whole world. I was crushed. It was January 2020. I had my breast implants done and OMGOSH! This surgeon butchered me. I looked like Frankenstein's Bride. This was a huge trauma in of itself. I ended living with my mom in her 6000sq ft house and Covid hit. Holy Moly! My mom was kind for about 2 and 1/2 months. Then the old mean lady came back out. It was so awful for me. She was a very unkind person. She just died in May. There's more trauma's in this five year period, I'm just skimming over it all. I am in therapy with a great gal and I am a trauma therapist myself... Yes, I can't diagnose myself and I need help and a lot right now. I have feelings and they are flying all over the place. I believe every woman should have a therapist who has had breast cancer (if possible) to help her through this. Or a life coach, mentor... we can't do this alone. We all need community. Cancer is awful. PTSD sucks. My whole life has changed, it's unbelievable. I'm working through this slowly but surely and coming to know myself as I am today. You are not alone. I care. Talk to me anytime!

I would also love, love how to get in on a zoom meeting. I have never acknowledged the issues I have experienced since my surgery and treatment. I have had idle thoughts of how I might die, including suicide. Now, I dont want to a!arm anyone...I never would do this but the thoughts plague me. I thought I was alone but it seems I have great company. I want to learn how to be happy with me again!
BTW, I work and am respected by my co-workers, I am happily married in a 24 year relationship. We live in an area so flipping beautiful, kayak, visit the beach so its not like I am wanting for anything....but I am!!!

Sometimes I come to tears if I allow myself to think about it but I believe sometimes it’s ok it is a healing process

I ended up with PTSD when my son was injured over seas. I have noticed that it is worse, especially if I get the least little bit dehydrated. I suggest breathing exercises and drint plenty of liquid that isn't caffinated